At work I have the pleasure of leading 60 nine/ ten year olds. This is HUGE. I give them my whole being when they are with me. Then I go home and try to give my all to my own children. This is hard when I am already drained. I am hard on myself and carry a heavy guilt that I could do better with my own children.
Then I hear my part time/ stay at home mom friends talk. This is when I really sink deeper into guilt. It's very difficult listening to them talk about just not being able to work any longer. They just can't do it for this reason or that. I want to scream, "Do you think I want to kill myself working full time"? I feel like they are silently judging me because I don't have enough "faith" or "sacrifice" in me to just quit my day job. I feel so far and distant from them sometimes. I just can't relate. It is totally me planting these ideas in my head of being judged for being a working mom. I'm working on that.
Then I battle with the idea of being proud of teaching 60 kids. It is my service that I give to others. When I see the positive effects I have on families, I know I am doing the right thing. Yet, I still beat myself up for not doing enough at home.
What I need right now is encouragement from moms who lived through working with two young children. I need to hear it gets easier, not EASY, but not so grueling at least! I need to hear wisdom of keeping a servant's heart and a mindset of thanksgiving. I don't need to hear people saying, "Just quit. I don't know how you work anyway." Or "Sell your house and give up your materialism". I really need people to pray for us. That we can determine what is best for our family. Every person has a different walk and calling. I pray that I am on the path I should tred. I remind myself that working doesn't make me any less of a good person or any less of a Christian. In fact, it makes me realize I can't so this alone. When my heart is anxious and uncertain, I call on Him.
I really do think it will get easier for you as Katy gets older, and you can see that she's benefiting from being in a classroom with her friends and teachers. The way you talk about your job, it's your calling, and it's a good one. You're absolutely doing something worthwhile and important, and that means something.
ReplyDeleteI was doing a job part-time, seeing my kids constantly, and feeling drained all the time, because while I loved the time I spent with my kids, the job wasn't what I was supposed to be doing and honestly, the kids and I were driving each other a little bonkers being together and in the house so constantly. I had a lot of hesitation and fear about taking on more hours and putting them in MDO - in fact, I turned down the job I have now, and didn't go back and accept it for a month - but once we started, it just worked. Because I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and the kids are loving their "school."
I'm so sorry it's so hard for you - I bet you can see how Evie benefits from her daily routine, and from having some variety in her teachers and friends and schedule, and I really don't think it'll be too long before you're able to see that with Katy, too, and understand that the time you spend apart and the time you spend together complement each other and enrich each other, and that the balance there is a good thing for all of you.
Thanks Bonnie!! I am in an up and down state of mind!! I keep telling myself, it will be so different next year when Evie starts kindergarten at my school, and Katy starts a day of MDO.
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